The great escape - Boys like Girls

I know this is long but today i just want to clarify things so again i can start over. Singapore is an escape to me in some sense but it seemed that i am just going inversely, not escape at all.
If i could reverse the time, i would like to start this year all over again. Starting over so that whatever stupid things i did, whatever absurd things i did, whatever i felt pity for not doing have never happened.
Being myself just after i came to Singapore, i left most of things behind and started a fresh life. Time passed and things were going well. Life was not perfect and always i expect life to be unfair so i did not really care whether or not i have gotten what i wanted.
I have been living on my hobbies, e.g guitar, soccer, cycling ... and i was not ambitious, and really that did not matter what others say. First soccer match, "you are too weak" my senior said but i kept playing and today proudly i am not weak. Being incompetent in using any musical instruments, i learned guitar and by myself, now i can play. People kept asking me to be ambitious (because i am a MAN), but really i think it s enough to achieve my dreams and i questioned them "is it ambitious?". "no" they said, you must be more but the "how" never came.
But it seems that the drama of a life is repeating itself. Those i left behind is coming back in another form. More hurtful.
Two years ago, when my great grandmother passed away, i could not hold the tears burying her. At that moment, i lost the one who carried me when i first got out of my mom's womb (not a doctor cos i was born home); i lost the one who woke me up every morning to take me to school and waited for me at the school gate every afternoon. The loss collapsed me mentally that i did not want to study, i went to school because of my duty to my parents. Bad results, i did not care.
Several months after that i knew i had a chance to go overseas. That surprise came with my heart broken. Her family was leaving to US. I knew her for 4 years since we were kids of 12 years old. Till 10th class, we realized we liked each other so much (i want to say "love" but it seemed impossible for two teenagers of 16 years old). So she left, no promises, but i regret that i did not explicitly, formally tell her how much i feel for her. If you could read this, now you know. It has been two years, no contact, no communication. It was yesterday i received an email from her. She said she got my mail from the class list and my friends told me i am in Singapore. She is back to VN now and will stay untill July. And she asked if i have a chance to come back, she wants to meet.
Death and Seperation have made me leave my country, taken an opportunity which i was unsure of, an escape perhaps.
So why do i say my drama is repeating itself?
Two years later, i lost my grandmother. To me, it hurt as much as previously. Grandma stills sang to help me sleep till my 4th grade and stills cooked for me even after i entered high school. I remembered her carry my sister when she was born 5 years ago. So this time i just want to fuck myself because i didnt fullfill a grandchild's responsibility. I was away when she passed away, i didnt have a chance to see her last time and i didnt myself bury her, and worse i didnt know it after 2 months. November 25th, the day i came back from S'Pore, my parents told me. They said they hid me because they knew no matter what exams i was taking, i will fly back immediately but they couldnt let it happen. I was so angry to look at them for half a month but then i realized they just wanted me to be happy.
Death has repeated itself. What about seperation? Or should i call it another mistake?
If you know me for two years, you know i have not been serious about relationship. Or rather i didnt want one.
But it came and i took it seriously. I cant explain myself at all because it all happened too fast. And i know i made it so easy for you that you cannot trust it. Even i cant, but after two months, it s enough for me to take. Deep thoughts, Melancholy, Jealousy and even Hate. I know from the start i did love you and why i was so hasty. The reason is that i dont want to lose you. I dont want to repeat the mistake of two years ago but it seemed that i did when i let go of you.