My life would suck without you - KELLY CLARKSON

Actually i was about to go to sleep at 11 (haha so early) but after a while i just cant close my eyes, in general i cant sleep. Then i tried to get me a reason why i couldn't sleep, i took 15 mins. It wasn't because my roommate was doing sth, it wasn't because of any noisy and irritating sound. It was because tomorrow is Thursday, late school and my mind is normally programmed to shut down at 2 am, not 11 pm.
So i decided to get up and write something.
My life sucks seriously but it s good in the sense that i know why it sucks. It just sucks because it is the life i had before. You know what i mean, "it sucks because it sucker than what it is used to be"! Glad that it is coming back, or at least i feel i am resuscitating.
Evidence: i screwed all the tests simply because they are "tests" (lame excuse!!!), today i didn't sleep during econs (1st touch of the year), i finished maths "Conics tutorial" (newest topic, though previous ones havent been done), no more i guess.
Regret: didnt switch my phone to silent mode during econ lec, lucky no one called or messaged.

"As we wind on down the road, our shadows taller than our soul"

The remedy - Jason Mraz

Here is what some people told me lately: "you have changed a lot and you behave very differently from who you were". My first reaction is to roll my eyes. I don't feel very different at all, it s just that i have so many things to put my mind on at the moment. But why must i take it all? Wont there be taking time later on? Can i just take it gradually one by one instead of take it all so i can enjoy the happiness of life, instead of spoiling it by going emo or sth?

On Sat, i started wondering if i and my life have changed, because if it was not, people would not notice. So i put it in a test on Sunday. Things went as normal as it should be in the morning and in the afternoon. Brushing teeth, combing hair, eating chocs, drinking water, mugging, sleeping, playing...

However, in the evening (about 7, when it was dark alr) when i was wondering in the area of "the rich" in BT. I saw this Ang Moh family with their Lamborghini stopped right in front of me. The couples got out of it a while after, following by their three cute kids. They are really innocent and naughty. It s Lamborghini and they kicked its tyres for fun and perhaps their parents love them so much, they didnt scold them but just some gentle complaint. They sang and hold each other's hand. Out of nowhere, i wish in future i will have for my own the children as lovely as them. I smiled. They saw me standing by the side looking at them, so one of them was tempted to run to me but before he could do that, his father hold him back shouting at him "stay away from that yellow please!!!" and that guy gave me a disdainful look which says "go away yellow bastard". So i walked away just as he wishes. But a thought came up " am i worth less than that Lamborghini?". My atitudes towards civilised Eurasians have changed.
Perhaps this wasnt so significant and most likely one test wont bring accurate result. But i will stop testing myself because somehow i think these changes are not radical and the effect is nt clear that i can see it (not because i am unobservant) :)

"It’s a tough pill to swallow, but I’m glad it happened sooner rather than later."

All about loving you? - Bon Jovi

My mind is twirling. Now i must decide whether i want to go back during June holiday.
Yesterday the girl who left me to go to US two years ago emailed me. Two years of no contact, no communication, it s a surprise that she still remembers me.
She had my email through my class gathering last week. And through some of my old friends, she knew i am studying in Singapore. Haha she is US citizen now. She said she will stay in Vietnam till end of July so if i had a chance to go back, she would like to meet me.
I do not know what to do. It has been two years and more, i am sure we dont feel the same. There has been no communication for two years, why doesnt she forget me and leave me alone?
Then i will need to decide. Take a break!

The great escape - Boys like Girls

I know this is long but today i just want to clarify things so again i can start over. Singapore is an escape to me in some sense but it seemed that i am just going inversely, not escape at all.
If i could reverse the time, i would like to start this year all over again. Starting over so that whatever stupid things i did, whatever absurd things i did, whatever i felt pity for not doing have never happened.
Being myself just after i came to Singapore, i left most of things behind and started a fresh life. Time passed and things were going well. Life was not perfect and always i expect life to be unfair so i did not really care whether or not i have gotten what i wanted.
I have been living on my hobbies, e.g guitar, soccer, cycling ... and i was not ambitious, and really that did not matter what others say. First soccer match, "you are too weak" my senior said but i kept playing and today proudly i am not weak. Being incompetent in using any musical instruments, i learned guitar and by myself, now i can play. People kept asking me to be ambitious (because i am a MAN), but really i think it s enough to achieve my dreams and i questioned them "is it ambitious?". "no" they said, you must be more but the "how" never came.
But it seems that the drama of a life is repeating itself. Those i left behind is coming back in another form. More hurtful.
Two years ago, when my great grandmother passed away, i could not hold the tears burying her. At that moment, i lost the one who carried me when i first got out of my mom's womb (not a doctor cos i was born home); i lost the one who woke me up every morning to take me to school and waited for me at the school gate every afternoon. The loss collapsed me mentally that i did not want to study, i went to school because of my duty to my parents. Bad results, i did not care.
Several months after that i knew i had a chance to go overseas. That surprise came with my heart broken. Her family was leaving to US. I knew her for 4 years since we were kids of 12 years old. Till 10th class, we realized we liked each other so much (i want to say "love" but it seemed impossible for two teenagers of 16 years old). So she left, no promises, but i regret that i did not explicitly, formally tell her how much i feel for her. If you could read this, now you know. It has been two years, no contact, no communication. It was yesterday i received an email from her. She said she got my mail from the class list and my friends told me i am in Singapore. She is back to VN now and will stay untill July. And she asked if i have a chance to come back, she wants to meet.
Death and Seperation have made me leave my country, taken an opportunity which i was unsure of, an escape perhaps.
So why do i say my drama is repeating itself?
Two years later, i lost my grandmother. To me, it hurt as much as previously. Grandma stills sang to help me sleep till my 4th grade and stills cooked for me even after i entered high school. I remembered her carry my sister when she was born 5 years ago. So this time i just want to fuck myself because i didnt fullfill a grandchild's responsibility. I was away when she passed away, i didnt have a chance to see her last time and i didnt myself bury her, and worse i didnt know it after 2 months. November 25th, the day i came back from S'Pore, my parents told me. They said they hid me because they knew no matter what exams i was taking, i will fly back immediately but they couldnt let it happen. I was so angry to look at them for half a month but then i realized they just wanted me to be happy.
Death has repeated itself. What about seperation? Or should i call it another mistake?
If you know me for two years, you know i have not been serious about relationship. Or rather i didnt want one.
But it came and i took it seriously. I cant explain myself at all because it all happened too fast. And i know i made it so easy for you that you cannot trust it. Even i cant, but after two months, it s enough for me to take. Deep thoughts, Melancholy, Jealousy and even Hate. I know from the start i did love you and why i was so hasty. The reason is that i dont want to lose you. I dont want to repeat the mistake of two years ago but it seemed that i did when i let go of you.

It ends tonight - The All-American Rejects

Any party will eventually come to an end but if you enjoy the party, the end would be sweet enough that the sadness would not be explicitly shown.
That was two parties and that was twice the feeling of happiness and sadness mess themselves up.
New people arrive and old people leave. That s just the inevitable law of nature but somehow if i might question that law " why?".
Lol anyway wish you all the best on the way you have chosen.

Life goes up and life goes down but life doesnt go back.

Song for a stormy night - Secret Garden

I am wondering what i should blog about. Actually there is nothing but somehow i cannot sleep now because it is only 11:19 pm. Writing notes, doing quizzes on fb? I have been on a rampage recently so no i guess.
Oh yeah, i am gaining weight. lol good news, 2 kg already, so happy :)
There has been nothing fun recently but overall, life is rated "interesting".
Tmr econs test, wt.... Got to go lift weight soon so tmr my arm is strong enough to stand the speed of 3 words per second (assume i only write 30 mins). Wish me luck pls, cos i havent studied much lately :(
Wao, mum is calling
Mum: hello son!
Son: hello mum!
Mum: son!
Son: mum!
Mum: how are you?
Son: i am fine, what about you? and dad?
*....*....**number disconnected* check my phones, "account balance 0.3 $, please top up as soon as possible" REALLY S**** YOU M1!
Son: bye mum, going to sleep soon!
"Sometimes it is good that you do not know what you want to know because when you know, you wish you did not know"

Hotel California - The Eagles

- Maybe before life has not been easy but currently it has been.
- Live my own way and spare a thought for people around is just simple but effective.
- Mugging is pretty boring but anyway have to cos i was too far behind
- Chem screw, econs unclear, gp blur, phys and maths uhm uhm lol
- Stop irritating me, or i will have to punch you in the face cos my patience has a limit -.- -.-
- New GP teacher quite cool, i am not gay but i like him :) oh man, Russel Peter
- Today i was talking to Kai Yuan, he said "that girl quite (pretty in Chinese)", and can you believe what i say "yeah, she is pretty". Hm, i really said that. It meant sth cos these two months i never said that when i saw a girl. Haha that s why life is getting easier.

That crossroad, as we were both walking to the center, we came to each other. But at that center, we need to say goodbye when we realize we are just walking in different directions to different destinations.